"I'm ok" "are you sure?"

It's funny, Christmas is a joyful happy time of the year. A time when you take a break and get together with your family and close friends. It's also a time of new beginnings what with new year and all that. People make resolutions that are never kept. People write lists that are stuffed in notebooks and probably never read again.

News flash. I do like Christmas. I love it in fact. I like what its meant to be, I like the joy it can bring but more often than not what it actually brings to me is strange feelings of complete and utter loneliness. And don't even talk to me about New Year. Oft. I could actually crawl off the face of the earth at new year.

I get really down when I think of people sharing this special season with friends and loved ones and stuff. And yet still some of them seem to moan. They don't realise how lucky they are. Don't get me wrong, I do spend it with family. And that's good and all but I crave the company of peers, people my own age doing fun stuff. 

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Wandering down a wind blown street yesterday I was thinking how I don't really have someone who I can confide in, I mean *really* confide in. I've probably not had a best friend since I left high school. There's no one I can share my news with - good or bad. Or to tell my inner most thoughts, fears and dreams to. Or someone to know that i need a hug from them at the end of a day. I have a few trusted people but they seem to stay way too far away to want to sit and have a chat with about this stuff. And so you dear readers are getting it, warts n all.
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A few days pass and then you go back to work and you get the dreaded question "did you have a good Christmas?". And what kind of freaking monster would I look like if I turned around and said "actually no, it was ok but I felt so low that I just wanted to curl up on the bed and weep".

OR did you do anything for new year? Yes, I slept through the bells and on new years day I went to the cinema to escape the party that was going on in my house. 

Yeah. That would make me really popular.

So the next time you ask someone if they had a good time. And they reply "it was ok" and that's their only words. It probably means that it wasn't ok and you should probably ask "are you sure?".

By the time the third of January arrives I feel a heaving sense of relief and a wonderful calm comes over me. Plus we had macaroni cheese for dinner.

Comfort.

Breathe.

I wouldn't have had the courage to publish this post if I hadn't read these honest accounts of Christmas from Ryan, Luca and Miss NoSweetNothings. Good blogs.

Now?

Now I'm loving the ever lighter nights and looking forward to my birthday. It's soon. Then it's summer...

Angela x

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