There goes the fear

I was thinking about the previous post i wrote last week about having a dip in confidence and how i've always thought i never had any real confidence. Well, i still think that. But here's a thing. I was in the shower yesterday and was thinking about it (I do a lot of blog post thinking in the shower, it takes me a good 20 minutes to wash my hair so plenty thinking time...) anyway, i was thinking that i'm a bit of a contradiction. You see, i've never liked being made a fuss of. I've never had any parties to celebrate important birthdays like 21st, 30th or even my 18th! I don't like to create a fuss about anything. I don't take praise or compliments very well, although i'm learning to accept this. I don't shout about my achievements much, except here on this blog and yet here i am...blogging. I mean surely i blog and i expect people to read it?

I mean for goodness sake I have a different pair of brightly coloured trousers for each day of the week. You'd need a certain kind of confidence to carry off the purple trouser look, wouldn't you?

When i was younger i never followed the crowd. I didn't drink. I didn't go out to clubs much. I've never been on a package deal holiday to Benidorm, Tenerife, or Gran Canaria. I wear Converse trainers most days and i shirked wearing make up for years! I wore a suit to a wedding and a skirt suit to my senior dance at high school...... wait, perhaps that's why I never got asked to dance. But you get the drift i never followed what everyone else was doing. At a work Christmas night out I wore a red velvet suit whilst all other women were in black. Looking back it was very poor taste, I looked like Santa, but it was in fashion at the time (mid 90's).

I suppose what i'm saying is that i *thought* I had no confidence but to stray from the crowd takes a certain kind of confidence. Another example is this. I wore a hat to work last week. A very cool tweed flat cap my great friend Linda bought for my birthday this year, i wore that and you'd have thought i had two heads the amount of comment it got. So you see, I must have some confidence. I just need to nurture it and bring it to the fore in certain situations. Situations where work is related. Matters of the heart. All of the above... I need to let it flow and get rid of the fear. Because that's what lack of confidence is really isn't it? fear.

Angela xx

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