There goes the fear

I was thinking about the previous post i wrote last week about having a dip in confidence and how i've always thought i never had any real confidence. Well, i still think that. But here's a thing. I was in the shower yesterday and was thinking about it (I do a lot of blog post thinking in the shower, it takes me a good 20 minutes to wash my hair so plenty thinking time...) anyway, i was thinking that i'm a bit of a contradiction. You see, i've never liked being made a fuss of. I've never had any parties to celebrate important birthdays like 21st, 30th or even my 18th! I don't like to create a fuss about anything. I don't take praise or compliments very well, although i'm learning to accept this. I don't shout about my achievements much, except here on this blog and yet here i am...blogging. I mean surely i blog and i expect people to read it?

I mean for goodness sake I have a different pair of brightly coloured trousers for each day of the week. You'd need a certain kind of confidence to carry off the purple trouser look, wouldn't you?

When i was younger i never followed the crowd. I didn't drink. I didn't go out to clubs much. I've never been on a package deal holiday to Benidorm, Tenerife, or Gran Canaria. I wear Converse trainers most days and i shirked wearing make up for years! I wore a suit to a wedding and a skirt suit to my senior dance at high school...... wait, perhaps that's why I never got asked to dance. But you get the drift i never followed what everyone else was doing. At a work Christmas night out I wore a red velvet suit whilst all other women were in black. Looking back it was very poor taste, I looked like Santa, but it was in fashion at the time (mid 90's).

I suppose what i'm saying is that i *thought* I had no confidence but to stray from the crowd takes a certain kind of confidence. Another example is this. I wore a hat to work last week. A very cool tweed flat cap my great friend Linda bought for my birthday this year, i wore that and you'd have thought i had two heads the amount of comment it got. So you see, I must have some confidence. I just need to nurture it and bring it to the fore in certain situations. Situations where work is related. Matters of the heart. All of the above... I need to let it flow and get rid of the fear. Because that's what lack of confidence is really isn't it? fear.

Angela xx

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Confidence, where are you?

You know that feeling when you get punched in the face with a brick? Yes? well that's what has hit me the past two days. Not a brick really. Not punched in the face with one. But a little confidence dip that feels like a punch in the face with a brick. Although I wouldn't actually know that feeling since i've never been hit in the face with a brick but i was hit in the forehead with a hockey stick once, when I was 10, still got that scar and i know that hurt!

Anyway. Yes. I'm having a mini dip in my somewhat already low confidence. Resultant from a few things really. No one thing to pinpoint it down to other than 'that' feeling. You all know it, right? that feeling. When things just seemingly aren't going your way. Perhaps they are but you just can't see it. You overthink everything, ten times. You listen to every word with the kind of intesinty you'd normally listen to a muffled warbled train announcement just before your train is due, hoping it's not been cancelled - again!

So the question is how to get over this mini dip in the confidence rollercoaster? How do you do it? I see and hear people, and outwardly they appear to be the most confident thing in the world. But what's going on behind the eyes? Are they really so self assured? Maybe they are. But secretly I think we can all suffer from little dips. It can take just one thing to trigger it off. Usually the silliest little thing. But getting yourself pointing in the right direction can take longer than the dip.

I think it was my hair that set it off. I got it cut and coloured last week and it's too dark. Too dark for me anyway. Mahogany! I asked for my own hair colour and I got MAHOGANY!!!!..... I'm no more a natural mahongay haired person than a blonde! Although the cut is great and my curls are sitting so perfectly and bouncy and lovely, even if i do say so myself. I love my hair - not this colour though. But I do :)

Sometimes you just got to have a word with yourself. Pretend. Pretend to be a little box of fireworks. But is that being true to yourself....

Someone, help me get my confidence of 2 weeks ago back. Or just tell me your stories of little dips and your fabulous selves! I love to hear peoples stories.

Courage doesn't always roar
Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day that says
I'll try again tomorrow
-Mary Ann Radmacher

Big love,
Angela x


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My Hipstamatic Week

Hipstamatic in case you don't know is a really cool iPhone photography app - commonly known as iPhonography. I've had it for ages and i love the different film, flashes, lenses and camera cases you get with it. I've amassed quite a few pictures. I love playing about with different iPhonography apps and with this one you can even get your photos printed off and sent all the way from America. I've had a pack, they're pretty cool. Here's my week in Hipstamatic photos, Saturday 24 September - Saturday 1 October... enjoy! (picture heavy post ALERT!!)

New Converse RED - my sparky shoes

Edinburgh Castle - from behind

Princes Street barriers

jewel encrusted tiger in Harvey Nichols

favourite drink

navy nails

poorly Connor

new gym programme

Castle silhouette

what?...

Those feet again

too much Coke in Illegal Jack's

Dumyat

for you...

dangerous tree?!

yum

Halloween window

Angela x

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