For now is my future

Things happen in life that make you take a step back and wonder. It could be a little thing. It could be a 'slap in the face' thing, but they happen.

I sometimes wonder how my life will pan out, what the future holds for me. Is my future now? Is this it? Should I give it all up and go help people more in need than me? Is my future just around the corner and i just need to open my eyes to it?

Be open to anything. Take more risks. Be less afraid. Be more bold (HA!)? These are all questions (or mantras that I wish myself to grasp with great gusto) or thoughts that run through my head each and every day.

I had another birthday a few weeks ago. Funny that eh. It's only been a year since my last one. Birthdays make you think, especially as those years seem to be passing all too quickly the older you get.

So I sit, and wander, and wonder, and think. I'm always thinking, me. Probably over thinking. I often muse that I'd been born less of a thinker and more of a do-er. But then that wouldn't be me really, would it? Or would it?

Somethings got to change though. Soon. Now. In my future. In my present. Now. For now is my future. Let's take it...

Angela x

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Braces make beautiful faces

I was feeling a little forlorn today. Tomorrow is the day I finally have my brace fitted. Teeth brace, not a back, leg or neck brace! Glad to report that my mouth seems to have healed up nicely after having the two teeth removed so that my teeth have room to move in my mouth.

I'm a bit nervous about having the brace fitted. I mean, I'm a 35 year old woman. You might wonder why? Why? Because I want to be able to smile more all day. Simple.

For as long as I can remember, probably since my awkward teenage years, I've been self conscious about my teeth. Ordinarily most people won't even notice them, but for me it's always there in the back of my mind. That, together with my already crippling shyness means that I'm not very talkative to people that I don't really know. Hence one of the reasons why I blog. I can talk to y'all here on this blog and various social networks without thinking that I need to try to somehow hide my teeth or show how shy I really am.

With that being said, this is something that I need to do. It'll be a long journey, two years the orthodontist estimated (I have a severe overbite, crossbites, small jaw, jaw too far back...the list goes on), but I hope that by the end I will have gained a new smile and perhaps a little more confidence.

Whilst browsing for images of braces the other day I came across a couple of really nice blogs from girls and their brace-wearing journeys. I've decided I'm going to log my journey here too. Maybe monthly updates and photos to see if we can see the process of teeth straightening taking shape.

Let's start with this. This is me on Friday after a monster laughing session at work.

As you can see one front tooth overlaps the other and the incisor is turned. That's really the only thing that bothers me. That squinty front tooth. So, if you see me from the right hand side, there's a gap. A gap that over the years has gotten wider and more squint.

I'm using this beautiful photo (below) as my inspiration and hope that people can see past the brace, the curly hair and the glasses.



I'd like to know if there are any of you out there that have been adult wearers of braces? I remember a few years ago, king of the sprint himself Mr Mark Cavendish had a mouthful as did Gwen Stefani (Google it) and look at them now! Heart.

On that note, I'll leave you with this from Snoopy. Wise lil Snoopy :D




Angela x
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When I Give Blood...

...it never goes to plan.

I never thought I'd be saying this but i got a letter last week from The Scottish National Blood Transfusion Service. A few weeks ago i headed to the Albert Hall in Stirling for what was to be my second time giving blood. I honestly don't know why it took me until last year to actually do it.

I waited in the queue, got checked in and sat in the seating area waiting until they called my name. The hall was busy with people all there doing their bit. I felt a sense of pride that i was doing this. I'm not a scaredy cat but needles aren't my favourite thing.

My name was called and i was taken to a make-shift booth (an area with a curtain around it). The nurse went over my questionnaire. It was sent to me in the post so had all of my details already printed on it, with a few other sentences that made no sense to me but did to the nurse. After here double checking with me that i'd filled it in properly she got a senior nurse over to explain...

After my first giving blood session last November, i'd received a letter to say that due to a technicality the couldn't use my blood. It had gotten contaminated somewhere between my vein and the testing centre.

This time the senior nurse informed me that due to the above they only take a couple of test tubes (instead of the bags) of blood and get it tested again to make sure everything was ok. It's normal she said. Ok I replied, but the worrier in me had started to reappear.

Anyway, i was sat at another seating area and a nurse came over, stuck the needle in my arm and promptly took 4 test tubes of my blood. She labelled them, marked them up and bagged them, then sent me on my way. I was feeling somewhat deflated. I realised at that point that i wanted to have that feeling of doing something good, to help others. That's my real reason for doing this, to help others. To do my bit.

Last week a letter came through. I recognised it because they type them in comic sans!!!.... I know!!

see! comic sans letter... 

I opened it and once again it read that my blood had somehow been spoiled again(!!) and that this time i wouldn't be called to give blood again within 2 years!! TWO YEARS. My heart fell. Literally fell into my stomach. WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME?!!

(Interlude: apologies for the overuse of exclamation marks).

The actual words are that my 'samples taken are showing a false reaction. I can, however, reassure you that extended detailed test have not confirmed the screening test result, and we can therefore conclude that this is a false reaction, due to the extremely sensitive nature of our test systems'. I was left feeling really really really disappointed but kind of reassured by their serious letter that had been typed in comic sans... hhmm.
Aw man. It really knocked me again. I want to do some good. Something that people will benefit from. This is how my feelings started when I ventured off the Nepal (go back to the start of this blog if you want to read that story!).

So who knows... out of some minor disappointment, a new adventure may rise up. But if you can stand it, please do give blood. It's relatively painless and a great thing to do. Please.

What should I do next?

Angela x

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It's a Love thing, Valentine

Happy Tuesday! Ok, ok, it hasn't escaped my attention that it's also Valentine's Day. The day when couples and singles with crushes declare their love for each other. Blah blah blah. I've never been a fan of this day, even when i was with someone. There's too much pressure to buy things. Most of the time they're things you don't need. Then there's the dilemma of how much to spend. Does it depend on the length of time you've been together? 4 months equals a teddy with a rose in its mouth PLUS a meal from the Chinese. Who says romance is dead.

I'm not a fan of grand gestures. If I were lucky enough to have a Valentine (and I use that only because of the date), I'd be more than happy with a little handwritten post it note stuck to the fridge just before I opened it to get out the ice cold milk to pour over my cornflakes. That's what I'd like. I'm not a flower girl either. I boke at the thought of someone spending a fortune on a bunch of red roses that will wilt and bend over in the vase within a matter of days. Give me a handwritten letter any day.

I bought a card yesterday. This card.

It'll never be sent. Cowardly? yes. But is there any point in sending a card to someone and not putting your name on it. They'll never know and you'll be right exactly where you are just now. I could always write my name on it. OH no I couldn't! Can you imagine?! What if he totally recoiled in horror at the thought of me sending him a card?! yikes. Then were'd I be? Right where I am but with a pure beamer (no 17). Anyway, I don't know his address (excuse number one). He'd hate me (excuse number two). Imagine my embarrassment if anyone else ever found out excuse number three)... I'm running out of excuses, aren't I...

I'm a Pisces. A romantic so the horoscopes say. They also say blue/green are my colours and I should be working in the caring profession. One of those might be true, but the rest is null and void. I am a romantic. A hopeless romantic in fact. In all situations in life I almost always try to take the view that everything will be fine and then i get smacked in the face with the ten ton hammer of reality. But a girl can dream can't she. Sure she can. She can dream that one day, whilst she's not searching (the movies say it happens when you least expect it) that he'll come along and sweep her off her feet. That's if the hammer hasn't knocked her flying to the pavement first.

I know that we're not all lucky enough to have a husband, wife, partner, boyfriend, girlfriend and so to all you lovely single unattached people out there, you are all wonderful and your day will come (if that's what you want). It will!

In the mean time, from me to you with love and a hug,
Happy Valentine's Day

Angela xx
...and an extra one for luck, X

"I'm ok" "are you sure?"

It's funny, Christmas is a joyful happy time of the year. A time when you take a break and get together with your family and close friends. It's also a time of new beginnings what with new year and all that. People make resolutions that are never kept. People write lists that are stuffed in notebooks and probably never read again.

News flash. I do like Christmas. I love it in fact. I like what its meant to be, I like the joy it can bring but more often than not what it actually brings to me is strange feelings of complete and utter loneliness. And don't even talk to me about New Year. Oft. I could actually crawl off the face of the earth at new year.

I get really down when I think of people sharing this special season with friends and loved ones and stuff. And yet still some of them seem to moan. They don't realise how lucky they are. Don't get me wrong, I do spend it with family. And that's good and all but I crave the company of peers, people my own age doing fun stuff. 

............................

Wandering down a wind blown street yesterday I was thinking how I don't really have someone who I can confide in, I mean *really* confide in. I've probably not had a best friend since I left high school. There's no one I can share my news with - good or bad. Or to tell my inner most thoughts, fears and dreams to. Or someone to know that i need a hug from them at the end of a day. I have a few trusted people but they seem to stay way too far away to want to sit and have a chat with about this stuff. And so you dear readers are getting it, warts n all.
..............................

A few days pass and then you go back to work and you get the dreaded question "did you have a good Christmas?". And what kind of freaking monster would I look like if I turned around and said "actually no, it was ok but I felt so low that I just wanted to curl up on the bed and weep".

OR did you do anything for new year? Yes, I slept through the bells and on new years day I went to the cinema to escape the party that was going on in my house. 

Yeah. That would make me really popular.

So the next time you ask someone if they had a good time. And they reply "it was ok" and that's their only words. It probably means that it wasn't ok and you should probably ask "are you sure?".

By the time the third of January arrives I feel a heaving sense of relief and a wonderful calm comes over me. Plus we had macaroni cheese for dinner.

Comfort.

Breathe.

I wouldn't have had the courage to publish this post if I hadn't read these honest accounts of Christmas from Ryan, Luca and Miss NoSweetNothings. Good blogs.

Now?

Now I'm loving the ever lighter nights and looking forward to my birthday. It's soon. Then it's summer...

Angela x

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Happy New Year: 2012

Happy New Year. 2012. So much is going to be happening in the world this year. The Olympics for one. I can remember when it was announced that the Olympics were to be held in London, back then 2012 seemed so far away. And now it's not. It's here.

Time has flown. I'm still pretty much in the same place as I was back the when that announcement was made (2007?) if I'm honest. But i didn't have the hunger and vitality that I have now, she says as she sits on the bed in the fading light still in her jammies at nearly three o'clock in the afternoon.

I don't know why I think this year will be different. I'm no fortune teller or future see-er(?). But it's that feeling. You know the one I'm sure. Perhaps it's the company you keep or the people you surround yourself with. Sometimes you just gotta clear everything or everyone out that is not on the same mindset as you or who, frankly, never contact you EVER, and you gotta let the good times roll. 

Fuck. Is this me being optimistic about the forthcoming year? I nearly fell off the bed there. Talking of which. I read a post the other night by Whatleydude (i think it was actually from a few months ago). I was about not being able to sleep because of distractions in the bedroom. No. Not like that! TV, sitting on the bed to watch tv, to read a book, to just hang out, when actually your bedroom should be your sanctuary. A place where you can find sanctuary and sleep. I suppose i should get off this bed and sit on the chair to type out a blog post, shouldn't I? 

My bedroom is my sanctuary. It's where I have all my stuff. Still living at home with mum and dad means this is the place where I do come to find solace and seek peace when the house is bustling (like it has been for the past two days). Only now have people left again after new years visits. So you see, when I sit here on my bed, typing away at this blog post, I am relaxed. I could go to sleep [although I have a rule that I never sleep during the day. I just can't anyway. Think of all the things you're missing out on when you're sleeping during the day. Shudder].

But back to my point. The room does need a tidy. There's still Christmas bags lying around with presents I'm going to regift as they'll be useless to me. Plus, it's time to get myself in order for 2012. Starting with a clear out. Clothes I don't wear or are too big fr me now, stuff I don't need but yet somehow it manages to edge it's way into my sanctuary. Is time. It's 2012. It's all systems go.

Angela x

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Angela: Mission 2012

Here they are, ten things that form part of Mission 2012 for me, Angela. 

 1) to have a dinner party at my house. Not a fancy smarmy all singing all dancing fake Michelin starred affair, but rather a nice bunch of people, eating good wholesome food and plenty of decent chat. That's it. 

2) to do something for Sport Relief in March 2012. Not sure yet what form that will take but I have to do something to help those vulnerable kids in Africa and here in the UK. 

 3) just keep on being me. But with a little added confidence. With all my flaws and insecurities and naïveté's I think I'm still a much better person than a few people I know. 

4) sort out my CV and perhaps land my dream job. After all I did have a vision that I'd be spending next christmas in New York and a humble administrators wage isn't going to fund that now, is it. I will get this one. I will. 

5) which leads me on to number five. Get more international check ins on Foursquare. Simple. 

6) Sort out my blog. Find a purpose for it. Categories. Subjects. Turn it into something big. Huge. Massive. I can and will do this. 

7) find someone to share my experienced with. A person who will like me just the way I am and won't want to change or mold me into something that I am not. Someone who can make me laugh, make me feel special, whom I can spoil, who I can make feel special, who i can make laugh - although not promising on that one, not a comedian! 

8) wear a dress once a month. This may not sound like a huge deal, but it's been about 3 years since I actually wore a dress in public. I have three lovely dresses to begin with. Two are classic black styles that fit like gloves. One is a gold sequin stripe affair that can be dressed up or dressed down depending on the occasion. I've ordered it from Harvey Nichols online. It's my first designer dress. Michael Kors no less! Oooooh. (edit: I've seen this dress in person today and I might send it back. It's quite long. It's not meant to be. Dilemma!) 

9) kinda like number eight this is to wear heels more often. Apart from anything else they give your legs a nice shape and once you master that art you can walk with an air of confidence. At least that's what it looks like. 

10) have a holiday. Preferably somewhere guaranteed with a bit of sunshine for 50% of the time. I've not had a natural tan since the summer of 2000 when I went to Florida. Aaaah a wee trip to FL would be ace right about now. 

11) gather a group of friends and celebrate my birthday. I never really celebrate it with anyone that's not related to me. Usually it's a gathering of the closest family with a cake that I never eat and it's fat and all but I'd like to bring together friends and family and food that I like to eat. Another simple one. 

12) go on a date. Still haven't fulfilled this one from my December to do list. It's a pity. I have so much to give. Oh shit no, not in that way, not on a first date! But this is a big thing. It hasn't happened in a while. Not see why. I'm quite a fucking catch, for the right person, dontchyaknow! 

13) ah number thirteen. Unlucky for some. Not for me. I don't tend to believe in all that mumbo jumbo shite. I figure you make your own luck, or not. It's all about chances isn't it? And taking those chances. And losing the fear about grabbing those chances with both hands and shaking the life out of them until you can't anymore, that's what it's about. Not saluting some black and white bird and saying good morning mr magpie. They tend to come in pairs anyway, don't they? I mean, have you really known anyone whose had a boy after seeing four magpies? Really? God sake there's a fifty fifty chance anyway is there not. See, there's that word chance again. It's all about talking them.... 

14) Should I stop here at number fourteen? Ok then I will. For now. Check back soon, there may be numbers fourteen to twenty appearing soon. Wink eye face. 

 Angela X .

The Simple Things

Last week was a week of polar opposites. It started brilliantly with meeting Miss Andi Kiss in Glasgow. She is fab. We walked, had dinner and lots and lots of chats. So fab. I'd say a 10 out of 10 day. Tuesday came and went. I needed a relaxing day. Saw a friend at lunch, had a wee catch up. Played with Connor at home. Nice. Wednesday was my Instagram walk. Great fun. Nice day too, weatherwise. Good. Thursday back to work. In itself fine. Friday last day of the working week (although i cheated with only actually two working days). As the day went on something came over me. Not sure what. A feeling.

I went to spin as usual. It was good. Hot bike boy was there. I mused how his tattoos do not seem to match his personality. He seems to be a bit quiet. Won't look you in the eye, that kind. Anyway, distracted there...

Got home from spin and that feeling was still hanging around. I had a little exchange, a talking to you could say, from a generous and lovely lady who is really very positive, even when things perhaps aren't going her way. An admirable quality that I like. I had a little cry. It's good to get it out sometimes don't you think.

Saturday I decided to just chill out. Relax. Try to get my mind of things. I did that. Sunday was a day out with my sister and the boys. She was going shopping for an outfit. I just wanted a day out. The boys only wanted something to eat. We passed a few toy shops but no...food was on their minds. It was a nice day out if a bit stressful.

By this time I was feeling much better. A few thoughts were still swirling around in my head like autumn leaves blowing in the blustery winds. Round and around they went, these thoughts. They're still there now. Their swirling is not as severe as the other day, as you see, I've got a few things sorted. I thought let's strip everything right back to the bare bones and find out the simple pleasures in life again. Those little things that may not even be thought of until they are over with. And so that's what this post is about... the simple things. What do you like? Here's a few of mine.

• Warm fluffy towel when getting out the shower.
• Clean fresh bed linen.
• A smile from a loved one.
• A tweet from a friend.
• A text from someone you cherish.
• The first drink from a can of Irn Bru.
• Home made macaroni cheese. It's a hug on a plate.
• A line from a song.
• Random acts of kindness, that really aren't random. More on this later. In fact I'm going to write a whole blog post about those.
• Crafting. Making things with your own hands. 
• Taking your shoes off at the end of the day and putting your feet up.
• A memory that comes to you at the strangest of moments and gives you that warm fuzzy feeling and a smile on your face. That. 

Those are some of the simple things that I love.

What are yours?

Angela xx

Music and Words

Music. Music plays a big part in my life as I'm sure it does for you too. I've never been a trend setter going out and searching for new bands or anything. I'm more of a hear a song and kinda like it person. I tend to get a cd and listen to it for months on the car and then change to another one. With the little deviational detour in between times.

It's only when things happen in your life and you really start to listen to the words of songs that they take on new meaning. I have a cd in the car that i made up myself from iTunes, it's relatively recent songs that i liked and i swear to whatever god you pray to that the songs have taken on new meaning in the past few months. It's strange. I find myself driving along singing these words and it hits me that some of these words i should be saying out loud to people (or persons), various.

I won't rhyme off the reasons why I should be saying the things that I should. If only I could, then perhaps the words would mean something totally different. Does that make any sense at all? I hope so.

Music can trigger feelings inside you that you forgot were there. Last week I saw someone played a jokey spoofy one hit wonder song on Spotify and i remembered wee John liked it so very much and it made me smile with love remembering him. I hear the name of an artist and i'm taken back to a great day out and a lot of laughs since. I hear a guitar riff and i think of a good friend who plays guitar. All of this is what music does to you. Elation. Emotion. Heartache. Belly laughs. Shivers down your spine. Wry smiles of remembrance. And above all a good old fashioned sing along in your car, music blaring no one can hear you and you're lost in that 3 or 4 minutes. Bliss.

Here's one of the songs... I like it.

Angela xx

There goes the fear

I was thinking about the previous post i wrote last week about having a dip in confidence and how i've always thought i never had any real confidence. Well, i still think that. But here's a thing. I was in the shower yesterday and was thinking about it (I do a lot of blog post thinking in the shower, it takes me a good 20 minutes to wash my hair so plenty thinking time...) anyway, i was thinking that i'm a bit of a contradiction. You see, i've never liked being made a fuss of. I've never had any parties to celebrate important birthdays like 21st, 30th or even my 18th! I don't like to create a fuss about anything. I don't take praise or compliments very well, although i'm learning to accept this. I don't shout about my achievements much, except here on this blog and yet here i am...blogging. I mean surely i blog and i expect people to read it?

I mean for goodness sake I have a different pair of brightly coloured trousers for each day of the week. You'd need a certain kind of confidence to carry off the purple trouser look, wouldn't you?

When i was younger i never followed the crowd. I didn't drink. I didn't go out to clubs much. I've never been on a package deal holiday to Benidorm, Tenerife, or Gran Canaria. I wear Converse trainers most days and i shirked wearing make up for years! I wore a suit to a wedding and a skirt suit to my senior dance at high school...... wait, perhaps that's why I never got asked to dance. But you get the drift i never followed what everyone else was doing. At a work Christmas night out I wore a red velvet suit whilst all other women were in black. Looking back it was very poor taste, I looked like Santa, but it was in fashion at the time (mid 90's).

I suppose what i'm saying is that i *thought* I had no confidence but to stray from the crowd takes a certain kind of confidence. Another example is this. I wore a hat to work last week. A very cool tweed flat cap my great friend Linda bought for my birthday this year, i wore that and you'd have thought i had two heads the amount of comment it got. So you see, I must have some confidence. I just need to nurture it and bring it to the fore in certain situations. Situations where work is related. Matters of the heart. All of the above... I need to let it flow and get rid of the fear. Because that's what lack of confidence is really isn't it? fear.

Angela xx

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Adventures

Are you not going on any more adventures? climbing any more mountains?...

The question I get asked quite a lot from people who don't really know me. And occasionally from people who do know me. When I get asked it my insides tumble and I ache to be back on a mountainside. Or on an adventure. That's the thing when you do something like that, you get loads of questions and they're great and stuff and it's great that people are interested but, looking back, I was broken on my return from Nepal. Both physically and mentally and it was only in the months that followed I realised just how much. You see that adventure was in the planning for 2 years and I put my everything into it. The fundraising, the making of Christmas cards to sell at a Christmas fare, the baking of cakes to sell at coffee mornings and the walking those mountainsides in the every changing Himalayan conditions. For you see, I did put my all into it. It was tough. Real tough. There was a point we might not even have gotten as far as we did so erratic were the weather conditions from Kathmandu to Lukla. It was the first time I'd travelled so far. It was the first time I'd met my companions on the trek. It was the first time I felt scared, so scared that I was wondering what people would say about me back home when I didn't return. This was an adventure, of a lifetime, of my lifetime. Well so far anyway. I wrote in my Moleskine and tried to put into words what each day meant to me but I don't think I can convey how my heart broke when I realised I couldn't actually live out this dream. I couldn't go to Everest Base Camp. I was too sick. No matter how much I wanted to go on I just wasn't physically able to. And do you know how that feels? To have your dream taken from you. Being so close to your dream then *KAPOW* it's gone in a flash. If you've read my story you might get an idea of my thoughts and feelings and fears then. But now, when I get asked that question... well I still get the tummy tumble, the ache in my gut that says you never made it. I know on the whole it was a fantastic achievement and to this day I always say it was the single greatest thing I've done in my life so far, but it hurts. Like no other hurt. It just does.

Who knows what the future holds? I may return (I would bite your hand off at the chance if I had the funds). But for now I'm satisfied with the fact that at least I tried.

What would life be if we had no courage to attempt anything.

Angela x

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