Bowery Mural

I've scared myself silly

Wednesday, 11 April 2012

So I done something silly last night and scared myself to death which resulted in a not so good sleep. I'm being totally irrational - I think. But in my state of panic my life flashed before my eyes and it hit me (again) that there are still dreams I need to fulfil before my time on earth is done. Oh it's all gone very deep eh.

You see I've convinced myself that a pain in my upper arm is something more serious than it probably (hopefully) is. And now i can feel a very faint pain but is it psychological and in my head or is there really a pain there. When I say pain i mean nothing more than a dull headache type of pain, not a 'rolling about the floor crying with pain' pain. But in my head I'm already planning the you know what!...


It's just silly. I know it is. Hopefully. I keep saying hopefully because now i'm thinking i've jinxed myself and this is it for me... Welcome to AngeSpace where everything is blowing up onthe inside but on the outside you'd never know. I might take a couple of painkillers, see if that shifts ot, or at least takes my mind of it. Gah. Why?

I want to be happy and fulfilled by the time my end comes around. I'm not at the moment. If it were going to end tomorrow there'd be big regrets from me. Huge regrets. Things I've done and things I've not done and I don't want that to be my forever. I want stories to share with my kids and my grandkids. Heck yes, i even want kids. I want to have new experiences and LIVE life, like really live life. Because living life at the moment seems to consist of work and spin classes - woo! You know what i mean though surely.

Does everyone feel like this every now and again? I bet you do. Although you'd never know it because on the outside people appear to be doing it. Right now. Their glossy lives are everywhere and they'll never let you know what's really going on, but you get snippets of the real life things that are happening to them that they seem scared to share or show. Not sure why. Probably because they want their personal brand to be all glossy and happy and shiny and an all singing all dancing hoopla all of the time. But that's so far removed from real life it's laughable. Don't you think? Sure people can be optimistic and care free and think that 'all this is for a reason' but come on, do you really think that? I mean *really*?...

Anyway. Enough. How do you do it? Live life i mean. Fulfil your dreams when you're on your own? I do what i can but come the end i just know it won't be enough.

Angela x



  1. I know how you feel, certainly about the glossy lives bit.

    I have rarely met anyone who is happy with their lot and however glossy thier lives look you have to remember that. All the time.

    I guess for people like us (and yes I do this too) that we have to actually step out of our comfort zones and go, right, what do I want to do and then actually do it. That kind of fear cant be worse than the middle of the night fear can it?

    1. Yes totally. Except sometimes it feels like rubbing it in your face? especially when you know all is not like thatbehind the scenes. Oh well.

      Oh no that fear is better than the night time fear. I'm being totally irrational on that. It's still there though, the slight dull pain. Maybe i've just pulled a muscle!

      I have loads of ideas I'd like to get on and do but sometimes it's where to be begin with it all. If I send a tweet on Twitter asking for advice I rarely get any replies and i know that people are there who could help, or give me some info. Perhaps because I can't really offer anything back in terms of profile (and boosting theirs) then they don't bother. Anyway said too much again.
      Thanks for your comment. :)


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